Kelly connects with therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab to talk about her new book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.

You write in the book that saying no to yourself can be a gift.

“Saying no to yourself is really about self discipline. So often we feel like we have to yes ourselves with anything - it's like we're fighting the inner toddler. So actually you can tell yourself no and it's very healthy. Sometimes we do need regulations to keep us healthy and we should be willing to say okay, I need to say no to this thing.”

Let’s define boundaries.

“Boundaries are rules and expectations that we have for ourselves and for other people. It's our very own policy and procedure. It’s our operating manual. What is shocking so often is that we know what we need and want, but we feel like it's so out of reach or it's so not achievable to communicate that to someone else. So we drag ourselves to do these things that are just not rewarding and we end up really being mad at ourselves for doing a lot of the things that we agreed to do.”

You also have some really useful tips when people challenge your boundaries.

“So often, unfortunately, people will try to get you to accept their push back by making you seem irrational for having a boundary. They will try to talk you right out of it and that's why in the book I say don't give lengthy explanations, because sometimes when we're explaining ourselves, we are giving people that ammunition they need to talk us right out the boundary.  They hear why you can't do it on Tuesday and they try to get you to do it on Thursday.”

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